And so it came to pass, that loud voiced town criers employed by the Pasaleth Expressus are going around telling that some child calling himself the “The Prince of Peace” has been smuggled into the town of Paisley in the land of C.E. Royal David AKA Renfrewshire, despite the efforts of the local council, run by Philistines, to catch and kill him on the orders of the Governor of the area, King Eckus (the spiv) Salmondus.
Eckus rules by fear from a place called Edinburgh in the far east. The evil (spiv) has ruled over these lands for a year and a half and in that time he and his hand picked officers and local councillors led by the tyrannical local commander Derekus Mackayus, an evil tyrant by all accounts have wrought havoc, there has been much wailing and gnashing of teeth, particularly from primary school children and their parents.
The holy child has however survived the “flight into Paisley” though where they are going to find him a school place is anybody’s guess, a nursery place will be even harder as Eckus (the spiv’s) brutal regime has “done in” the nurseries as well, this is as a result of panic when he heard about the child and feared him as a challenger, rumour has it that the ambitious, ‘lean & hungry’ Mackayus could meet the same fate, he is watched closely by the malevolent plotters Cllrs. Mitchellus & Mcfeebleus known as the ‘jinglers’ because of the pieces of silver jangling in their deep ‘Paisley Man’ pockets, a legacy from their past association with the evil Torius tribe, only two of whom survive Cllrs. Langlandus & Clewless.
Remember (the spiv) has ‘previous’ in these matters. Local well loved tribunes of the people such as “Margo & Jim” and Mickus Russellus have been cast into the wilderness and been forced to live in the wild country around the Holy Cities of Glasgow & Edinburgh these two cities hate each other because of Glasgow’s great sporting dominance, particularly at the sport of footus, such is the depravity of this regime that they are not expected to be seen again.
Reports have it that the child was born in a stable in the lovely Paisley hamlet of Glenburn, a place of great peace and learning, known for its fine upstanding people and great footballers. A stable had to suffice as the local authority had destroyed the homeless provision once provided by previous benevolent rulers, before the invasion of the Philistines. The wean didn’t even have a warden to look out for him, the legion of the council known as the “Wardens” was also put to the sword by Eckus, Mackayus and their brutal hairy legged tartan clad troops. This was reported by the Popular front for the liberation of Renfrewshire or is it the Renfrewshire Liberation Popular Front they are AKA The Scottish Socialist Party, a wild hairy vicious bunch, and some of their male members are scary as well.
The people are confident however that the child will survive with the help and goodwill of a higher being, “The Great Gordus Broonus” who has many legions and has god on his side as well as Baracus Obamus from a far country where he smote some real “wronguns” the parts of the world that have not already been saved by Broonus will surely be save by Obamus.
Peace will some day return to the land of Renfrewshire as well as the wider area of Caledonius, evil tyrants like Eckus and his henchmen and henchwomen will dwell in the land of Barlinnus where they belong, along with Seanus Conneruss the foreign dodger of taxes and wee holy Sooterus the charioteer, the barbarian Trump and his bloodstained clubs will be vanquished, children will learn to read again and the ancients among us will once again be valued. The evil tribes of Eckus, Camerus and Cleggus will be banished by the lord Broonus, peace and prosperity will reign, shepherds will once again wash their socks in peace and Scotus will win the world cup and St. Mirrunus will prosper.
Just remember to vote Labour !