WHEN GORDON BROWN SPEAKS THE WHOLE WORLD (EXCEPT THE SNP) LISTENS.

Virtuoso performance from Gordon Brown at the book festival, a half hour wide ranging speech without notes demonstrating his prowess as a statesman and political/intellectual heavyweight. His grasp of economics, international and national affairs remains as always; simply awesome.

The decision by BBC Scotland to have Henry McLeish in the studio to discuss brown's speech however only served to highlight the obvious gap in intelligence and charisma which exists between Brown and McLeish, Henry is not alone here though. Their other decision however to put the snp's MSP Derek Mackay in the same position as McLeish though could only be described as downright cruel.

“IT’S A DIRTY DANGEROUS JOB BUT SOMEONE HAS GOT TO DO IT” (ALEX SALMOND)

 

I received a comment from a rather loosely wrapped snp supporter, foaming at the mouth and chewing the carpet by the sound of him. Most of it is as you would expect unprintable as are a growing number of them as the yes campaign looks more and more like it is being run by the "Marx Brotherss" with Harpo as their spokesman. He finished with this little gem. "new Labour ie pink tory" champagne socialists are still predominant in your party" This made ME laugh and led me to put pen to paper as follows.

And what is the 'bevvy' of choice and indeed the colour of Mr. Salmond and his flunkies who are struggling manfully on behalf of poor old Scotland while spending a fortnight in London at a cost of £200,000 a week, rising according to today's reports to £35,000 a day.

He (Salmond) has been training for this it seems, he once in times past boasted the ability to be able to scoff £800 worth of London allowance grub when Parliament was in recess, a Herculean feat I'm sure you will agree. To raise his table performances from £800 a month then to £35,000 a day now must make him surely the greatest Scolympian of all time. Not for nothing in London is he referred to in hushed reverential tones by his hosts as the "starving Scottish dug in the black pudding factory"

Some say he is a devious wee b*****d who never goes anywhere without his personal knife and fork set in his pocket, some say he is a Scottish hero, perhaps you dear readers can be the judges of that for yourselves. Let's hope the Thames barrier is working in case he gets Brahms and List and falls in the river, I'm just saying, ken?

GOOD DAY FOLKS AND WELCOME TO EDINBURGH AND MODERN DAY SCOTLAND!

Many Scots. agree with me that arguably the greatest artist who ever lived was Pablo Picasso. Among many other things he was an inveterate painter of women, hundreds of them, possibly thousands of them, short; tall; fat; thin and in almost every conceivable stage of dress and undress you could imagine. He could paint a beautiful woman and make it look like an expensive photograph, he could then paint the same woman and portray her with her nose, ears, mouth and eyes all jumbled around in different positions but you knew at a glance that it was the same beautiful woman, in fact Pablo was a right smart arse of a painter who didn't give much of a f**k about what people thought or indeed or even particularly; artistic convention. He divided opinion in his day to a fearsome degree and to a lesser extent still does today. My younger brother Shug once stood looking at a Picasso in the Glasgow Art Galleries, he stood back, he leant forward, looked from this side and that, I believe he actually stroked his chin meaningfully before offering his judgement which was "naw ah don't see it at aw, it's f****n s***e, oor Francis (younger again and a painter) could dae better" I am no expert and on this great debate Shug and me disagree ,but I consider him to be one of the most fascinating and gifted men (Pablo not Shug) who ever lived and so do a lot of other people, so, why am I talking about him in a Scottish context?

The Scottish Gallery of Modern Art is running an exhibition of the great man's work backed by a suitably expensive and dynamic campaign to make sure everyone knows about it "gaun yersell that Gallery" I hear you shout. What could go wrong with that, what indeed? Well as you disembark at Edinburgh Airport your walk through the terminal building takes you past some of the aforementioned attempts to persuade you to take in the Picasso exhibition. One of which is the stunning painting called'nude woman in a red armchair. Some people however were outraged and complained; rumour has it that some particularly diligent God botherers said that the image reeked of debauchery, the cowardly airport authorities to Scotland's undying shame covered it up. It's now back on display after protestors mad a fuss about the move but, that's not the point. Needless to say the airport is not short of images of semi naked women (and men) advertising all kinds of junk with impunity. Why a Picasso nude? I hear you plead, I wish I knew. One of my daughters once asked me what women's breasts were for and I thought about it wondering what the catch was and I eventually said babies and milk, she replied no they are not they are for selling bloody cars.

Nude Woman in a Red Armchair was covered up at the airport.

Picasso painted women as opposed to the impossible images which bombard us today of them, life is hard enough because of the lack of equality for females and it is made well nigh impossible by the parasites who blackmail them into having to look like catwalk models.

If the complainers were Scottish they should have been told to eff off and if they were from abroad they should have been politely advised that the flight they came in on was refuelling and they were welcome to reboard and go right back home. Scotland needs an enema.

 

 

 

IS THE REFERENDUM FADING AWAY? I THINK SALMOND IS HOPING SO.

My late friend Davie Speirs used to love a joke and some were quite elaborate, a degree of patience was involved sometimes to hear it through though. Sometimes, some of his legendary stories could stretch over the length of 2 or 3 pubs. This referendum makes me think of one of these stories because it's become interminable and comical. Davie was a blues/Folk/Ragtime/Jazz guitar player and singer with a huge repertoire of songs, stories and tunes, he could also get you to laugh watching a burning orphanage. One night he was playing at a 'doo' among lots of political types including some noisy drunken snp supporters who engaged him in conversation. He had sung some Scottish ballads and they wrongly assumed he was "one of them"

He gathered them around him and told the story of the death of Bonnie Prince Charlie in reverential tones, a feat of disingenuous creativity as he usually referred to "peas n barley" due to his sexual reputation as 'wee yo yo breeks' Anyway he told them how he escaped the English Redcoats despite being wounded but they caught up and he sustained another wound. He was clearly dying and his braveheart companions carried him off again across the moors and heather and all that usual stuff you get in Scottish stories. Near death they laid him down in a field and gathered stones to place around him to keep the wind off him. Sadly he passed away and his men rather than let the dirty English swines find him gathered more stones and built a large structure around and over him. And then said Davie this is the origin of the song "Bonnie Chairlie 's noo a wah" (now a wall geddit?) well if looks could kill the drunken picts would have killed him, it was turning ugly and all Davie could do was laugh himself in to a black knot at their faces.

There is now a suggestion that the referendum may have to wait until 20 15. Approximately 5 years ago Wendy Alexander challenged Alex Salmond to "bring it on" He of course didn't "bring it on" for the same reason as he refuses to do so now, he fears impending humiliation and the end of his political career which is usually what happens to single issue politicians.

So by the time we get to the referendum if it actually happens and if it's 20 15 we will have been waiting 8 years since that challenge was made. Is there anyone still in any doubt who won the bragging rights in that famous exchange?

I wish Davie was here to comment on it, he would be scathing, hilarious and as always; hard left, I see him sitting playing the guitar with a glass beside him laughing his head off at the cybernats and Scots wha havers, he is much missed.

SWIMMING, BOXING, OLYMPIC GREATS AND HORSE S**T.

I am getting old or lazy or perhaps both. I was recently corrected on my Blog by one of my critics called (Byeck) it sounds a bit Emmerdaleish I know. He/She took great pleasure in reminding me that one of our countries greatest ever Olympians Princess Ann did not as I stated actually win an Olympic medal. Never having been one to let a blow remain unanswered I decided to write a bit about the Olympics as a kind of retaliation so if you like it; thank him/her and of course if you don't like it? Well you can blame him/her for that as well. I wrote to him as follows.

Thank you for correcting me, she competed but did not win a medal, she did however win the BBC's Sports personality of the Year award which put all those footballers, boxers, athletes and swimmers in their place. They were all overawed when confronted by such a giant of the sporting world in their midst.

I wonder if you noticed that Zara owns a horse box. 'De Rigueur' I suppose for one who rides horses at such expert levels. At a price of £500,000 I was comforted to know that this particular horse box ensured that this royal parasite was well looked after. 

Capable of carrying 6 horses and 6 humans with sleeping, dining, toilet and leisure facilities it is no less I'm sure you will agree than she deserves, the humans BTW on this magnificent vehicle are the ones without tails. 

The much lauded success of the GB Horse riding team was however slightly punctured by one of their number who made a mistake and cost them the gold medal, can you guess who that was?

This bit did not go to him/her.

Readers of this Blog will have heard me complain about sports which should not be classed a s Olympic competitions including anything to do with horses. If you want to know why consider the case of the Royal parasites Ann and Zara. The things I have watched most so far are boxing and swimming and I have no hesitation in saying the TV coverage has been bloody awful for both. Once the swimming race starts it is impossible to tell where each swimmer is, if the commentator says the American and the Korean are neck and neck in lanes 5&6 by the time you start counting lanes to find them the camera has switched angles and they wear caps which are mostly similar so you are lost. They used to superimpose the swimmers national flag behind him/her in the lane which made it easier and more enjoyable. Also they have inexplicably removed the information strap line in the corner of the screen telling you what the race is e.g. the stage , final, semi final etc. and the distance and stroke etc. The coverage has gone backwards. every swimmer who shows up ready to compete should be identifiable, swimmers who show up with shaved heads should be compelled to have their heads painted in their country's colours.

The boxing is the same once the fight is on if you missed the start there is no information on the screen to tell you who they are and what stage of the competition they are at or which weight they are fighting at. By far the worst part of the coverage was the removal of the constant score card at the corner of the screen which lit up a red or blue light when a boxer scored a point, a brilliant innovation when introduced and now abandoned. My theory is that the judges did not like the idea of millions of fans watching and shouting at their TV's "where the f**k did that red/blue light come from he never touched him or, why the f**K did no light come on there he belted the guy etc. Some of the decisions have been inexplicable as well, I predict a shakeup in how Olympic boxing is conducted in future.

The incredibly laid back and effortlessly charming Michael Phelps is the greatest Olympic swimmer ever but if you call him the greatest Olympian ever you might find yourself having to call someone else in the future the greatest Olympian ever because that person has won more medals than anyone else and it could be for christ's sake a horse rider. Oh for christ's sake it could be a roya----- I can't say it.

THE OLYMPIC CURTAIN GOES UP.

It took me about 20 minutes to stop comparing the opening ceremony unfavourably with the Chinese but I grew in to it and turned out to be fantastic. Completely different from others but excellent. They did however miss out some great events like Lisbon 67 but what the hell, you can't have everything.

WHEN DID IT STOP BEING ABOUT SPORT AND START BEING ABOUT MONEY?

Friday evening July 27 2012 and the greatest show on earth is about to start. My earliest memories of the Olympics go back to Melbourne where we kept up with the news on the radio following the fortunes of 2 great Scottish boxers Dick McTaggart (Gold) and John (Cowboy) McCormack bronze, I was 8 at the time and I remember being aware that something big was going on. Rome we saw on TV in 1960 in black and white. In 1968 in Mexico City we watched American Bob Beamon almost jump out of the stadium in the long jump like his 'bahookie' was on fire and the world looked on and held its breath as black Americans Tommie Smith and John Carlos gave the Black Power salute from the Olympic winner's podium. Munich we remember for the political violence which overshadowed the games. Moscow in 19 80 was rather predictably boycotted by America and still produced a magnificent show, Beijing China I will remember for the quite stunning spectacle of the games and their presentation as well as the equally stunning spectacle of Usain Bolt's spectacular sprinting as he re-wrote the record books.

Meanwhile along the way we had Jesse Owens, Mohamad (Cassius Clay) Ali (who he?) The mighty Cuban Teofilo Stevenson (pity they never met) Dick Fosbery who made every high jump coach in the athletics world redundant with the 'Fosbery Flop' Mark Spitz who needs help to carry his medals around. The great Czeck Emil Zatopek who ate other distance runners for breakfast. Native American Jim Thorpe (look him up). The beautiful American sprinter Wilma Rudolph. The little Russian Pixie who lit up the world of Gymnastics Olga Korbut. Chris Hoy etc. etc. Not forgetting Princess Ann, did you know her daughter Zara is also in the Olympics, quality always comes to the top right?

I love the sports but I hate the capitalist casino that it has become. I would get rid of most of the sports we watch now in the Olympics and only include what I call proper Olympic sports. Boxing, running, swimming, rowing, jumping, cycling, wrestling, field events, that kind of thing. Ban team sports and ban weapons except the Javelin, ban competitors from representing a country, they should all compete as individuals just as the Greeks did all those years ago. There should be no such thing as a free ticket for anyone and I mean anyone and no guarantee of a ticket either. If one person goes in to a ticket ballot then everyone goes in. Except those who are financially disadvantaged for whatever reason; be it unemployment, poverty or disability.

Everyone is now ready including the vast amount of experts in drugs and medicines who will heroically lock horns as they do every 4 years for this great event. One side will move heaven and earth to cheat and the other side will do the same to catch the cheats, this has become more and more necessary as the capitalist influence has grown over the years. The ticket touts, the petty and large criminals and those who provide 'special services' to visitors have reached a peak of readiness, they have prepared no less diligently than the athletes. The commentators and TV experts have also prepared and they are all ready; each with their rag bag of superlatives and chauvinist insults, it is rumoured that some of them have been coached in the latter discipline by no less a person than his Royal Highness Prince Philip, so let's get on with it. 100.000 condoms have been made available to athletes (true!) so it will be 'bloody good fun! One way or another. I intend to comment further as the games go on, I'm saying that at the moment anyway.

SALMOND’S NATO NUCLEAR TRADE EMPORIUM – EVERYTHING MUST GO.

Gather round its Honest Alex (Del Boy) Salmond here; the bargain trader with my lovely assistant Nicola.

Here's a shiny unused Nuclear Warhead with nothing on the clock + Edinburgh Castle, quick now before Trump buys it! for The Statue of Liberty now I can't say fairer than that can I? How about 2 Neuks + The Finnieston Crane, worth a fortune in scrap value alone, for the Eiffel Tower. Try this you lucky people, 1 Neuk ready to fire and 1 second hand with full service record and MOT only needing primed + Glasgow City Chambers. For The Leaning Tower of Pisa.

Roll up there, everything must go, Ers a Nuclear Sub with a few miles on the clock + the last remaining pair of Bonnie Prince Charlie's slightly soiled Hielan Breeks for the Brandenburg Gate.

It's all legal now that we are independent and we are all in NATO.

“WHO SHALL RID ME OF THIS MEDDLESOME PRIEST” HENRY THE 4TH. TALKING ABOUT THOMAS BECKET.

I wonder if Scottish Cardinal Keith O'Brien is familiar with the story of how Thomas Becket later to become Saint Thomas Becket met his grisly end following this plea by King Henry the 4^th. It wasn't pretty and there was blood and snotters all over the altar where he was slain, like today's cardinal he chose to follow his faith and conscience, still I digress.

The issue of gay marriage never seems to be far away from the headlines, it seems also to be impossible to discuss or write about the subject here in Scotland without Cardinal Keith O'Brien being involved. The Cardinal must feel like just staying in bed some days but of course he doesn't, he lives his life with his head always above the parapet, a "turbulent Priest" if ever there was one. He does not need nor I suspect would he take advice from me so I won't bother to offer it but, there is always a 'but' isn't there? What I am about to say might shock some people particularly those who know me well and also know my views on this subject, Cardinal O'Brien is getting a raw deal in the media and from commentators both professional and amateur here in Scotland.

Those who know me well will not be surprised however when I suggest why in my opinion he is getting such a raw deal here, the reason is what Jack McConnell once eloquently and devastatingly called "Scotland's secret shame" meaning of course 'Sectarianism' one half of Scotland's twin shames sectarianism and racism. He is not under such vicious personal attack because he is man of God he is under such attack because he is a high ranking high profile Catholic. There can be no doubt that religions of every stripe in Scotland have no shortage of members and indeed leaders who agree with Cardinal O'Brien and the stance of the Catholic Church, they however seem to be able to avoid the opprobrium visited on the Cardinal and the RC Church, have you ever wondered why? The answer is sectarianism.

Consider the point that in every corner of the world there are paedophiles and child molesters every religion has them, as do children's youth clubs, sports clubs, schools etc. they are devious and dangerous. Most of them are of course within those loving straight families which religious people so want to preserve. It is only in recent years that we have become aware of the scale of the problem hence we are becoming rightly more vigilant. Scotland however manages to give the impression that only the Catholic Church has this problem, there is nowhere else where such a feeding frenzy like this takes place targeted at one church, , why is that? It's sectarianism.

The coverage in the media is outrageously biased and the amateur commentators in press letters and internet sites in Scotland are as ugly and viciously sectarian as anything we have seen in the past, it means that Scotland is incapable of moving on and is still stuck with its dark ages reputation, sullen, pinch faced and bedevilled by Bible black proponents of the God of Wrath. "Thou shalt not whistle or be merry or travel on a ferry, that'll get ye hung on Scotland's Sabbath day" (Hamish Imlach)

I will now cut away the line of attack which I know is coming from some of the people I have just been criticising. If any religion were to claim me I suppose it would be the Catholic Church, perhaps with reservations though on their part. I believe that Gay people should be treated fairly and equally in all matters including marriage, I would make it a crime for anyone to treat any gay person unfairly or unequally; including churches of whatever brand. Having said that I do not believe that Cardinal O'Brien is as he has been described by many a 'bigot' on the issue of gay marriage I believe him to be 100% wrong but; I also believe that he is 100% sincere, this I suspect applies to all those who have so far managed to keep their heads below that parapet which the Cardinal looks out from with his head above it. He is driven by his faith not by hatred of anyone gay or not. The day will come when the Catholic Church along with the other churches and religions will follow the true meaning of their creeds which are all relentlessly good and kind, those who mistreat Gays and indeed others they disagree with will someday do the right thing. If you don't believe me check out Galileo who got an apology from the Pope last year approximately 370 years after the Church persecuted him for claiming the Sun was the centre of the Universe, the Church reckoned the Earth was the centre of the Universe. They now agree with Galileo or at least most of them do.

TRUE SCOTS. IT’S TIME TO TAKE UP ARMS. GET YER KNIVES N FORKS AND FOLLOW ALEX. YOU COUNTRY NEEDS YOU!

In a Braveheart attempt to save the Hall's Meat Plant in Broxburn Alex Salmond has announced that the SNP Scottish Government is to run a campaign to encourage Scots. to eat more Sausages, Haggis and Black Pudding. Mr. Salmond stated that he will go the extra mile to save the plant and he intends to lead from the front by consuming great quantities of these products himself. Today alone in a heroic start to his campaign the first minister in a selfless display of courage and sacrifice displayed his determination to fight for this famous Scottish firm by devouring several plates of sausages and several strings of Black Pudding as well as countless plates of Haggis, all washed down by a family sized bottle of Diet Irn Bru.

He says that he does not expect everyone to match his determination but pleads for effort from all true Scots. This could be his tilt at greatness you never know, it is a fact that he has; even if inadvertently been in training for just such an emergency for several years. Rumours are already circulating to the effect that the Big City Shysters are snapping up shares in the company, such is the First Ministers fame as a man who can make grub disappear as we say here in Scotland "like snaw aff a dyke"

The SNP Scottish Government will be issuing button badges bearing the logos "I'm a Scottish Haggis Hero" " I'm a Scottish Black Pudding Patriot"" and of course "Sausages Are the boys" Mr. Salmond hinted between belches that he could be ready soon to guarantee that these jobs will be safe. It goes without saying that all true patriotic Scots. will be coerced (sorry I meant to say encouraged) to boycott all English meat products.

Remember the cry for Scotland and Halls Meat Factory. "They may take our lives but they will never take oor Scottish Sausages"

THE ROYALS AND THE OLYMPIC GAMES – IF EVER A PAIR DESERVED EACH OTHER.

Prince William. Affectionately known as "Winko Willie" because he is a flying ace to rival Biggles and Budgie the Helicopter has been made a Knight of the Thistle. His ma. Queen Elizabeth of Scotland was so proud of him. It came as a pleasant surprise said his Granda Phil the Greek who is always on the ball, one of yer Royal Greeks remember not one of yer restaurant Greeks. Following the Jubilee and the awarding of more money to the Royals the wee wumman in the corner shop told me "ahm fair bursting wi pride so ah um" she buys her bread now in single slices not loaves but Royal Pride is special right? The Queen's granddaughter Zara Philips has managed just like her ma Princess Ann to battle her way against all the odds to gain an Olympic place in team GB. Talent, breeding and sheer quality will always come to the top.

I can hardly wait to watch the Olympics, wee white sail boats bumping in to each other, folk firing bow na narras, pistol shooting, shove halfpenny, horse jumping, throwing the jodhpurs, guess the illegal drug, Judo with 2 guys locked together for 5 minutes rolling around so you don't know who is who until some wee Chinese guy's heid pops oot the bottom of the other guy's trooser leg, fleecing the tourists and my favourite; the weight lifting; I love it when some big guy lifts a huge weight and tries to push it above his head with straight arms. The bit where his legs wobble and he starts to do the exit waltz, this can last a while as he looks like he's going to manage it and then swings left and right and in and out like a demented jakey doing the highland sword dance, he inevitably has to dive clear like the arse of his costume has caught fire along with his belt which is the same width as a stair carpet and by this time I'm watching from behind the couch. Then everyone on the platform and in the front row of the hall starts wrestling and punching each other to get tae f**k out the road of the massive out of control barbell, that can get me to laugh myself in to a black knot. Bring it on, the weans in my ward of Ferguslie just love the dressage with the big horses doing the military two step with some old wealthy wrinkled granny in the saddle dressed like Buffalo Bill. The wrestling can resemble the County Square Taxi Rank on a Sat. Night which is course the safest place in Paisley to avoid getting the Jail. Remember it's not the winning that counts it's the taking part which reminds me of the American skater called Tanya Thingmy who got her boy friend to break her gold medal rival Nancy Kerrigan's leg. Is she a winner or what? Americans play to win OK?

THE REAL CRIMINALS

"WHAT IS ROBBING A BANK COMPARED TO OWNING A BANK?" (BERTOLT BRECHT)

A HAPPY AND POIGNANT EVENING AT ST. FERGUS’S CHURCH AND SCHOOL.

20/06/2012 - 7 pm. Accompanied by the boss to the beautiful church of St. Fergus for a celebratory Mass for this term's school leavers followed by a prize giving ceremony over the road in the school. Beaming children in lovely school gowns and mortar board hats were the stars of the show as they participated in the service and at the presentations. I watched these 12 year olds speak with such confidence and authority to the congregation in church and to the assembly in the school and, not for the first time I reflected that when I was that age no amount of coaxing or threats could get me to stand up and speak to such a crowd. What a pity I'm not still like that I hear some of you murmur.

I was delighted to hear and join in with some of the hymns which I have got to learn over recent years, always referred to by me as "new hymns" At the age of 63 years I doubt if any of these "new hymns" lovely as they are will ever take the place of those that I learned and grew to love as a boy, I still only have to hear the opening bars of 'Hail Queen of Heaven' or 'Sweet Heart of Jesus' and I am completely unmanned. It is by the way worth your while to attend Mass at St. Fergus's Church to sing hymns along with Father Oliver who can croon along like Bing Crosby.

One of the things which has always impressed me about St. Fergus's School is the intense loyalty on show from teachers who have dedicated the major part of their careers to teaching the children of Ferguslie Park, they are an impressive bunch of professionals and two of them who have served 71 years between them at the school were at their last leavers 'do' last night. Big bouquets of flowers were presented and a few eyes glistened while the love and affection between these ladies, their fellow staff members and above all their pupils was palpable. Not everyone gets to have such a long career doing something they love and come out the other end of it able to say "I made a difference, I did my best, I'm glad I became a teacher" these two retiring teachers are entitled to say this. They looked happy, a wee bit sad as well as contented and proud and so they should be. So should everyone at the school, I wish them a long happy retirement and best wishes to the latest batch of students to move on to "the big school" Best wishes also to the 2 ridiculously young looking teachers who will be replacing the retirees. Also a big thanks and congratulations to acting head Maureen and all her staff.

THIS IS NOT AN EXAMPLE OF PRIME MINISTER CAMERON’S STUPIDITY, IT’S AN EXAMPLE OF HIS ARROGANCE.

Jimmy Carr the comedian has been keeping his money in what is described as "an aggressive tax scheme to avoid paying his dues. Tory Prime Minister David Cameron has described this as "morally wrong"

 

I'm not often stuck for words and I can't think of anything funny to say about this, can you?