HOT NEWS FROM HOLYROOD. BY A SCOTTISH GOVERNMENT REPORTER.

Nautical experts, scientists and my local barber who knows everything are backing a new revolutionary way for bonny Scotland to reclaim its seas around the country's coast, despite the Engurlish bastards claiming them as British. The plan is to excavate muckle big massive areas of the remote highlands (Grannies in "heilan hames" will be offered compulsory purchase by the local council heavies) to create giant underground caverns at huge deepnesses. An enormous pipe will then be inserted in to the sea off the Scottish coast and the other end of the pipe is to be located at the huge excavations where the gallant and dashingly handsome first minister Mr. Alex Salmond snp, resplendent in his genuine Harry Lauder tartan trews with the bottoms neatly tucked in to his fashionable green wellies, the whole ensemble rakishly topped off with hacking jacket and blue bonnet waits patiently to have this other end of the pipe or "outlet" as we engineers call it, inserted in to his mouth or 'gub' as he colloquially refers to it. He has of course been known to use the expression "facial orifice" when he wants to impress with his extensive vocabulary, he insisted on that bit going in.

The theory is according to the experts is that if wee Eck can suck as hard as he can blaw, the water will be shifted in jig time. Rumour has it that the lovable wee spiv has offered to sell the Americans Loch Lomond using the same method. First refusal they say will be offered to a flamboyant chap with hair like a lions mane in a blizzard called Mr. D Trump with options of Edinboro Castle and The Blarney Stone thrown in as a job lot. The pair have set a date to tour the sites chauffeured by a villainous little mountebank with a broken toothed smile like the tin plate on a coffin called wee holy Sooter, honestly! Mr, Alex wants it known that "he can't say fairer than that can he?" He might be on to something here; he's a right wee bugger for this enterprise culture so he is.

With thanks to my anonymous contributor.

I NOW ASK WITH TREPIDATION, WHAT NEXT MR. SALMOND, WHAT HELLISH EMBARRASSMENT HAVE YOU DREAMED UP FOR WE LONG SUFFERING SCOTS. NEXT?

Following his now disreputable imitation of a football hooligan at Wimbledon, our first minister; wee Eck (the spiv) has now forced himself on the Isle of Man to use it in the cause of Scotland's freedom from the wicked Engurlish. Drawing economic and financial comparisons between a tax dodging haven of 90,000 people and Scotland with 5,000,000 people seems to have been a good idea to him at the time, and so it goes. More derision has now descended upon him; does he have any advisers I wonder? Probably not, he is not the type to take advice is he?

The first minister's moral fibre or lack of it has been examined again today and brought more mortification and downright queasiness among the population who are now afraid to switch on the news for fear of what he has been up to this time. The cry of "for f**k sake somebody get a grip of that clown" can now be heard across the country by affronted Scots.as we learn now that he has been sending many sycophantic letters seeking to 'sook' in with leading Scottish Sports stars and other prominent people. Like an obsequious little stalker he hunts down any Scot. who might be of use to him, any unsuspecting person that he can get his picture taken with is fair game and woe betide anyone useful to him who makes the mistake of communicating with him, they become trapped. Shiny faced fervent youths who sell replacement windows with the devotion of teenage brownshirts are not nearly as determined to coral you as wee Eck (the spiv).

To his chagrin wee Eck (the spiv) has been found this time writing unctuous letters to snp/separatist/cybernat hate figure Chris Hoy, Alex Ferguson (honestly), JK Rowling (again honestly) and on no fewer than 8 occasions Andy Murray who is also becoming a hate figure for the demented gnats. All attempts by Salmond to appear friendly and decent have been rebuffed by these people who clearly know exactly what he is, not one single letter in reply did he receive! He did in fact collect one reply, from that well known patriotic Scottish half wit and tax exile; ex racing driver Jackie Stewart. A Laurel and Hardy pair if ever there was one. Regrettably we Scots. will have to go on suffering this narcissistic moron in our midst until he suffers humiliation at his vanity project the laugharendum. Unless he does the respectable thing before then and jumps before being pushed.

A GREAT OCCASSION WITH A GREAT BIG HORRIBLE TARTAN FLY IN THE OINTMENT.

A wonderful day for Andy Murray and incredible drama, well done to him and all his team. Despite his best efforts to do so the (wee spiv) Salmond failed to ruin the occasion with his embarrassing antics. His imitation of the fat drunken uncle that everyone hopes will forget to turn up at the big occasion was excruciating. What a low life chancer.