And so it came to pass, that loud voiced town criers employed by the Pasaleth Expressus are going around telling that some child calling himself the “The Prince of Peace” has been smuggled into the town of Paisley in the land of C.E. Royal David AKA Renfrewshire, despite the efforts of the local council, run by Philistines, to catch and kill him on the orders of the Governor of the area, King Eckus (the spiv) Salmondus.
Eckus rules by fear from a place called Edinburgh in the far east. The evil (spiv) has ruled over these lands for a year and a half and in that time he and his hand picked officers and local councillors led by the tyrannical local commander Derekus Mackayus, an evil tyrant by all accounts have wrought havoc, there has been much wailing and gnashing of teeth, particularly from primary school children and their parents.
The holy child has however survived the “flight into Paisley” though where they are going to find him a school place is anybody’s guess, a nursery place will be even harder as Eckus (the spiv’s) brutal regime has “done in” the nurseries as well, this is as a result of panic when he heard about the child and feared him as a challenger, rumour has it that the ambitious, ‘lean & hungry’ Mackayus could meet the same fate, he is watched closely by the malevolent plotters Cllrs. Mitchellus & Mcfeebleus known as the ‘jinglers’ because of the pieces of silver jangling in their deep ‘Paisley Man’ pockets, a legacy from their past association with the evil Torius tribe, only two of whom survive Cllrs. Langlandus & Clewless.
Remember (the spiv) has ‘previous’ in these matters. Local well loved tribunes of the people such as “Margo & Jim” and Mickus Russellus have been cast into the wilderness and been forced to live in the wild country around the Holy Cities of Glasgow & Edinburgh these two cities hate each other because of Glasgow’s great sporting dominance, particularly at the sport of footus, such is the depravity of this regime that they are not expected to be seen again.
Reports have it that the child was born in a stable in the lovely Paisley hamlet of Glenburn, a place of great peace and learning, known for its fine upstanding people and great footballers. A stable had to suffice as the local authority had destroyed the homeless provision once provided by previous benevolent rulers, before the invasion of the Philistines. The wean didn’t even have a warden to look out for him, the legion of the council known as the “Wardens” was also put to the sword by Eckus, Mackayus and their brutal hairy legged tartan clad troops. This was reported by the Popular front for the liberation of Renfrewshire or is it the Renfrewshire Liberation Popular Front they are AKA The Scottish Socialist Party, a wild hairy vicious bunch, and some of their male members are scary as well.
The people are confident however that the child will survive with the help and goodwill of a higher being, “The Great Gordus Broonus” who has many legions and has god on his side as well as Baracus Obamus from a far country where he smote some real “wronguns” the parts of the world that have not already been saved by Broonus will surely be save by Obamus.
Peace will some day return to the land of Renfrewshire as well as the wider area of Caledonius, evil tyrants like Eckus and his henchmen and henchwomen will dwell in the land of Barlinnus where they belong, along with Seanus Conneruss the foreign dodger of taxes and wee holy Sooterus the charioteer, the barbarian Trump and his bloodstained clubs will be vanquished, children will learn to read again and the ancients among us will once again be valued. The evil tribes of Eckus, Camerus and Cleggus will be banished by the lord Broonus, peace and prosperity will reign, shepherds will once again wash their socks in peace and Scotus will win the world cup and St. Mirrunus will prosper.
Just remember to vote Labour !
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11 comments:
Terry:
Merry Christmas.
This is quite good actually. I especially like the bit where you label the Labour party as the occupiers of the Holy Land: "“The Great Gordus Broonus” who has many legions." are you saying that Gordon is responsible for the present Israel-Palestine situation?
By the way, the area should really be referred to as Judea, as Palestine doesn't really gain currency until c.70AD, while you based your story on the birth of Jesus (.c5BC-0).
But pedantry and political sniping aside, I enjoyed this post.
What if it's true, that Mackayus is who he claimed to be!
For 2,000 years, much of the world has seen Mackayus of Renfareth as the founder of one of the Scotland's major parties. Many have seen him as a provocative teacher and who claimed to be the savior, Mackayus repeatedly talked about being on a mission of rescue, even as his popularity began to worry party leaders, he talked about going to Renfareth to lay down his head, his followers, the cameronites, lawonites & McLaornites found such comments unthinkable, yet only after 4 years in the public eye, he talks of going to Edinburite, if one takes a politically historically objective approach to this, it is found in secular history affirms that Macksyus lived on earth and was worshiped as a God by the cameronites, lawsonites and mclaronites.
Mcckayus stood at the centre of Renfareth and said " I am the way, the whole truth and the life, no one comes into my partyith except through me".
Local skollars have said " A man who was merley a man and said the sort of things Mackayus said... would either have to be a lunatic on a level with a man who says that Michellist once bought a round or else he would be the Alec spivouse himself",
If Mackayous can be trusted, disregading his lack of principles, though they are many, he will deminish the parties true chance of peace & Joy!
So it came to pass, Mackayus shown brightly, as brightly as the stars in the skye, he proclaimed " I have come that they, the average joe publicous may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly than any other time in their lives a new day has dawned, I can't afford to let the failures of my groupus or others like cameronite to ruin my future, I can only promise them new life if they follow my tenants".
McFeeus delcared that every councillorus being, our creator has placed a Adamous shaped void that only Mackayus himself can fill.
According to the Natsous, Mackayus is not only the chosen one, he is also the creator of the entire Universe.
Cameronite of the educatodozus said " the Mackayus gave us his life's energy so that others could be electedus. In a little town of paislethem, full of loneliness, despair, rejection, the Mackayus offers us a bridge over the chasm, so it came to pass, Mackayus left the little town of paislethem and with his coats of many shinney colours he rode his chariote pulled by Nicolsonite of many fat mid-rifts along the old Roman road of the M8ite and he now challanges the Salmondite of Spiv, for leader over all he surveys.
The whole nation awaits the clash of the Mackayus & Salmodite of Spiv.
Peter, also known as Paul as it was written.
(Rumbold) 22/12/08
Palestine is mentioned in 1200 BCE albeit not the same spelling but approx. in the same place as it it is now, anyway who wrote the bible.
The great Gordus Broonus is not personally responsible but Britain certainly is and Labour as well.
Someone has written a comment in the same style which is very funny, worth reading, I’m not sure if you can pick up on the local references though.
(Anonymous) 22/12/08
I would not usually print something which upstageth me but since it is the time of peace, well done, you rightly mention the Cameronites, the Lawsonites and the McLarenites, but do not overlook the rest of the Nat. populous known of course as the Gobsh***s.
(Anonymous) 22/12/08
I would not usually print something which upstageth me but since it is the time of peace, well done, you rightly mention the Cameronites, the Lawsonites and the McLarenites, but do not overlook the rest of the Nat. populous known of course as the Gobsh***s.
Local skollars? They drink cheap lager?
(Jim Lewis) 23/12/08
As always I will bow to the superior knowledge of rugby types in all matters concerning booze.
A Terry comment thread full of cheer and merriment. We truly have seen a miracle today.
(Rumbold) 14:40
It must have been the sherry but, as Jesus once said “for my next trick I need a couple of loaves and some fishes”
And it cameth to pass that on this day of 13th January in the year of the plague visited upon the capitalists. The Leader Mackayus said he would visit the suffering on the weak in land of Renfrewshire because the great Spivus has declared that the weak must suffer to attain the promised land of parochialism and only the strong and wealthy should prosper. There was much wailing and gnashing of teeth amongst his followers when Mackayus declared that Spivus had to be obeyed and no more corn should be given to the weak and needy for they are a burden and hinderance to the chosen ones and must fall by the wayside to achieve greatness for his vision of the land of the tartanius torius.
Mackayus followers said so it has been ordained Spivus has spoken and no more children have to be given pencils nor old people with little means of suport dignity. All Council spend on such waste must cease for those who visited the plague on the land must be apeased through tax breaks .
(Anonymous) 14/01/09
Spivus, Mackayus and the rest of “the people’s front for the liberation of Caledonus” are only just getting started, the poor people of Caledonus will wander in the wilderness for several years yet.
A wild hairy man called Gordon the Labourus will emerge from the carnage and smite them and peace and prosperity will return to Caledonous and Spivus and Mackayus and their barbarian followers will be banished along with their craven images to the desert in the far north east known as the land of Trumpus.
These things will come to pass, just like kidney stones.
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